When the honeymoon’s over

A reflection in four parts:

I.
The novelties that once excited me have lost their luster.
And at the same time, the petty things that once drove me wild with irritation no longer creep under my skin. I have reached a point in my life here where nothing surprises or disappoints me any longer. A sort of equilibrium. Neither paradise nor devastation.
Some call it home.

II.
The mood swings I once experienced have started slowing in their oscillations.
Gentler and more gradual than ever before, my heart carries me from peak to valley in easy motions. The upside? My joy is less of a snack and more of a feast. The downside? So, too, is my distress.

III.
The expectations that I once clung to have broken up with me.
There are many words for how I feel in the aftermath– lonely, wanting, fevered. Mostly, though, I feel a deep and savory relief. Now that I know what I can accomplish here, I am more empowered, more stubborn, more urgent. These lessons could never be learned the easy way– I am making peace with this fact.

VI.
The love I was hoping for is nowhere to be found.
Instead, the love I have found is tenfold my wildest dreams. I am buoyed by the people who give their joy and talent and time so freely to me, teaching me daily lessons in unconditionality. While I attempt to offer up incommensurate thank you’s, I find I am once again a small child whose parent works behind the scenes for my wellbeing. I will never fully grasp the debt I owe, but I will also never be expected to repay what is given freely and with love.

Some call it home.

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